Don’t be the “audience” for your child’s “acting”

Don’t be the “audience” for your child’s “acting”

Written by: Founder & Volunteer Director of Good Love Passion 

            Lam Ho Pui Yee


Praise is often misunderstood and misused. Some parents think that praise is a “cure-all” medicine and that their children will accept any praise they are given. In fact, children can’t accept sarcastic praise, and it will only turn them off and backfire. Appropriate praise is more effective than harsh punishment. Some comments can be hurtful and can even affect a child’s personality development for the rest of his or her life. Successful parents take advantage of opportunities to praise or encourage their children, as timely and appropriate praise can be motivating and inspiring, enabling children to grow in the right direction.


Smile and make eye contact at the same time

When praising your child, parents must smile and look into your child’s eyes at the same time. Such sincere feelings are the happiest and overflowing. Because praise is a double-edged sword – the right kind of praise will make a person feel confident and happy and move forward, but the wrong kind of praise will make a child lose his or her way and stagnate.

For example, when a child refuses to “sit down”, the parent should say “please sit down” with a matching expression. If the child is willing to comply, the parent can praise him immediately and then play a fun game with him. But if the child still does not comply, the parent can immediately take the child away from the scene to divert attention and guide him to follow instructions. Or when you tell the child to put the toy away, but he still looks at you and tosses the toy, testing to see if you will let him go. You can then say to him in a calm and gentle tone, “Please put the toys away gently,” or “Let’s learn to put away the toys together, okay?

Guide your child to understand that expression is appropriate

Parents don’t have to tolerate their children’s bad behavior and minimize arguing or reassuring remarks, which only gives the child more room to continue “acting out” because they have found an “audience”, and some children may even be aggravated by your ignoring them or getting upset. We need to guide our children to understand that the only way to get what they want is to express themselves in an appropriate way. As long as the parent persists, the child will understand that the behavior will not get the parent’s attention and will naturally give up.

If the child stops this behavior, the parent can respond immediately by praising him for being quiet and then diverting his attention to other activities. Whenever a child receives praise from others, he or she will naturally exude confidence and joy, as well as a sense of trust and affection for the person who praised him or her. However, the repetition of a single form of praise over time can be ineffective, so parents should be careful to be creative in their praise.


Pay attention to the tone of voice and lead by example

Children are a gift from God, and it is only through love that other aspects of accomplishment do not become a form of bragging and pride. The difference in the tone of voice is enough to affect the parent-child relationship of detachment or closeness. Parents’ emotions and behaviors are related to their children’s future learning attitudes and personality traits. Because children mostly learn by groping and imitation, children will observe their parents’ treatment of others and use of words and phrases to learn their own emotional management and interpersonal relationships, so the importance of parents leading by example cannot be ignored. Even a hug, a smile or a look can establish a kind of appreciation. Parents are far more influential to children than teachers or peers. The more encouragement a child receives as they grow, the better it will be for their future development.

Each child has different characteristics, and parents should observe and explore their potential, allowing them to develop according to their strengths. “Encouragement helps children to grow, while scolding makes them timid. But the two must go hand in hand and not be biased.” Only through a clear distinction between rewards and punishments can children feel loved by their parents and know how to face mistakes and take responsibility for their own development.

Three characteristics to let you know whether you are a “monster parent”?

Three characteristics to let you know whether you are a “monster parent”?

Written by: Director of the Hong Kong Institute of Family Education

          Dr. Tik Chi-yuen


Although parenting is a natural duty, it is not “inborn to take duty”. Previously, I discussed with senior government officials the current difficulties of parents and how to effectively promote parent education.During the discussion, we all felt that parent education should be strengthened because parents are becoming more and more “monsterized”, resulting in high pressure on parents and heavy burden on children.


If parents want to determine whether they are “monster parents”, they can assess in three aspects.

  • First,are you always worried about your child losing at the starting line, so you ask your child to learn more and practice more?
  • Second, do you often worry about your children doing wrong, afraid that they face failure, so give children a variety of protection?
  • Third, do you often feel stressed by your children’s studies and daily life, worrying that your children will not do well in everything, so you are emotionally disturbed?

One of the problems with “monster parents” is that they focus too much on their children’s performance, especially in terms of academics and grades. In fact, there are more important things we should be concerned about, and that is the parent-child relationship. Parents and children are meant to have a mutual emotional relationship, not a ministry relationship. In the family, we talk more about love and affection rather than dictations, tests, and exams. Having a good parent-child relationship is the cornerstone of healthy growth for our children.

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“Baked in sweat” when fever. Does sweating help reduce fever?

“Baked in sweat” when fever. Does sweating help reduce fever?

Written by : Dr Chiu Cheung Shing


There are some “folk wisdoms” about dealing with fever, and the most commonly heard one is that if you are “baked in sweat” when you have a fever, you will naturally get better. However, is there any medical basis and effectiveness for this saying?


In fact, sweating will never cure any disease, and there is no medical basis for this claim. Although some children can get rid of fever after “being baked in  sweat”, 4 out of 100 children may have higher body temperature and cramps due to “be baked in sweat”, and even if the fever goes down, the disease is not cured.


What are the effective ways to dissipate heat?

There are several ways to dissipate heat are very effective. The first method is based on Physic principles, such as not letting the child wear too much clothes to help dissipate the heat. The second method is to bathe your child in warm or lukewarm water. In addition, your child can be given oral antipyretics as directed by your doctor. When your child has a high fever and vomits badly, some anal plugs can also be used to reduce fever.

In the long run, once the child’s condition has stabilized, he or she needs to drink more water because each drink increases the amount of urine, which naturally helps to dissipate fever and detoxify the body.

“No!” “Not allowed!” “No!” Does it really work?

                                                        “No!” “Not allowed!” “No!” Does it really work?

Written by : Child Behavioral Emotional Therapist
           Ip Wai Lun

Many times, parents get angry because their children don’t follow the rules or challenge some bottom line. For example, if a parent doesn’t want a child to touch something, the parent will just say, “Hey! Don’t touch it!” and “No!” and “Stop”, the child will hear many of these “No! and “No! In fact, this will often make children feel that they have done something wrong, which in turn will undermine their confidence and make them avoid doing things in the future.

As a parent, what can you do to make your child follow the rules without undermining his self-confidence? What kind of talking skills can parents use?

For example, if a child is angry and his face is red, we can use the following “three-step” approach.

 

Part I: Say How He Feels

“Mommy and Daddy see how angry you are ……”

“Look at your red face. ……”

Parents can try to help their children say how they feel. This is the first and most important step.

 

Part 2: Setting boundaries

When a child has a temper tantrum and may hit someone, parents should immediately set a line: “Okay, we can’t hurt others. Help him to set a compliance line.

 

Part 3: Arranging a platform for diversion

If the child has already hit someone, the parent should arrange a platform for the child to channel the anger.

For example, the parent can say, “Oh! I see you are so angry that your face is red and you want to hit someone! Why don’t you show Daddy how angry you are? “Why don’t you hit this shark doll?”

Maybe the child will say, “Yes, okay! and then hit the shark doll. At this point, the parent should tell the child, “Oh, Daddy is really angry to see you.

By allowing the child to express his or her emotions, the child will understand that when he or she has negative emotions, they won’t be accepted by the parents. If parents use the above three steps, not only will they accept their children’s negative emotions, but they will also not condone their misbehavior, and most importantly, children will learn to follow the rules.

Caring for children with special needs is not a psychological stress for parents to ignore

Caring for children with special needs is not a psychological stress for parents to ignore

 

Written by: Family Dynamics Counseling Psychologist

             Shelly Mok

 

Fai is a boy who is very good at drawing. He likes to draw his own comic characters, but all his characters do not have eyes, ears, mouth and nose. All of his characters, male or female, with long or short hair, have thick hair covering their ears and foreheads. These characters are like a mirror, reflecting his inner world. He does not want to communicate with others in depth, but just wants to do what he likes quietly.

 

When I first invited him to introduce his comic book protagonists, he said that his characters do not have mouths because no matter what they say, no one will listen to them, so they do not speak; they do not have eyes because they do not want to see what is happening in the world; they do not have ears because no one will listen to what he says. Even the sound of the crowd annoys him, so he prefers to be alone. Other than these few words, he did not respond to any other questions I had.It was heartbreaking to listen to this P5 boy and look at his big eyes. At such a young age, he already had to close his heart and give up the opportunity to build positive relationships with others.

 

When Fai was in Primary 4, he was determined to have dyslexia. His parents brought him to see me not for any training, but to deal with the tension and low self-image that had accumulated between him and his parents for quite some time. From the first grade, he faced many academic challenges, such as often failing in dictation, not finishing his homework until 11:00 p.m. every night, not listening to his parents’ instructions, and not finishing his exam papers. The family and he had a lot of friction and conflict over the grade. He was labeled as lazy, irresponsible and inattentive. Even though his parents later learned that he had dyslexia, it was hard for them to let go of their expectations of him, especially his mother.

 

In fact, Fai is not lazy. When I observed the way he played the game and did the beauty work in the game room, I knew that he is a person who has great demands on himself. In the face of failure, he would try again and again until he was satisfied. For a child who has been frustrated in his studies, even in a non-academic field, it takes extraordinary inner resources to persist in trying without fear of difficulties and learning from his own failures. As a bystander, I can clearly see his strengths, and I am inspired by his inner strength.

 

However, the parents’ feelings about Fai’s situation were very complicated. They were so stressed out by their constant worries, sadness, expectations, and disappointments that it was hard for them to see and hear Fai’s efforts and heartfelt voices, so it is no wonder that the protagonists of Fai’s comics live in a world without eyes, ears, mouth, and nose. However, the guilt and helplessness of Fai’s parents also prompted them to ask me for help. As parents, they really need time and space to face their own pain and accept that their children are different from others. Not to mention, they only have one child, Fai.

In the process of working with Fai, I also made several appointments with his parents to help them understand more about the challenges and inner world that Fai was facing, and to help them transition and accept his complex emotions. Later, Fai’s mother told me that Fai was actually very hardworking and struggled with his homework for so long every night because he did not want to give up and insisted on finishing all his homework. Even though his parents told him to forget about it, he insisted on not going to sleep. Therefore, I also said that they were really lucky that Fai did not give up in the face of huge learning difficulties. His mother was stunned after hearing this – it seems that they are starting to see and hear Ah Fai.

 

Parenting can be the most challenging and unpredictable experience in the world, but it can also be the most satisfying and meaningful thing in life. Parents of children with special needs are faced with extraordinary stress and emotional complexity. These emotions are like a thick fog that prevents parents from seeing and hearing the inner world of their children. At the same time, they cannot see or hear their own inner world, thus isolating the communication between parents and children. As a counseling psychologist, an important part of my job is to help parents clear the clouds so that they can see the moon.

 

 

“I’m so tired” How to improve the feeling of tiredness?

“I’m so tired” How to improve the feeling of tiredness?

 

Written by: Chinese doctor Yiu Yee Chiu

 

As a parent, it can be exhausting to take care of a family and work. In my spare time, I like to watch talk shows and listen to the unique views of celebrities on life and their outlook on life. Once they talked about the busy life of Hong Kong people and how fatigue seems to be an inevitable “by-product”. However, we were told that we are not tired because we are all like that and it is just a normal physiological reaction. So, is this true?

Tiredness is actually a subjective feeling, so only you can understand it. In some cases, it can be seen in behavior, such as reluctance to get up, weakness in speech, lack of normal physical strength, etc. According to a Chinese Medicine Practitioner, fatigue involves the five viscera and six internal organs, mainly the spleen, liver and kidneys, with the spleen being the most important, which falls under the category of “deficiency fatigue”.

 

Three types of fatigue have different causes

Fatigue can be classified from different perspectives. One way is to classify fatigue into three categories: physical, mental, and psychological. Physical fatigue is the most common and the most easily noticed. After normal work, it is normal to feel tired and can recover after rest. However, if you cannot recover after rest, or if the number and degree of fatigue is too much, this is fatigue, which can also be said to be a “sub-health” state.

Brain fatigue is caused by overuse of the brain. The most basic symptoms are memory loss and lack of concentration. Other symptoms include drowsiness, lack of concentration, auricular fever, and lack of hearing. Mental fatigue is a psychological feeling after excluding physical problems, and may be triggered by lack of sleep or inadequate nutritional supply. If more than one of these manifestations occurs at the same time, it is likely to be characterized as what is known as “fatigue syndrome”.

 

Fatigue is related to the disorders of the five organs

From the perspective of Chinese medicine, the appearance of fatigue is closely related to the imbalance of the five viscera. Different symptoms may be related to a particular internal organ, for example, lack of qi is mostly related to the lung. Chinese medicine believes that the overall activity of the human body depends on the state of vital energy. The Yuan Qi ” Human nature inborn and nourished later”, means that the Yuan Qi from the parents of the essence, after birth, mainly from the diet of water and grain essence of the supplement and nourishment, while relying on the normal function of the spleen and stomach and with the help of the natural qi (i.e. good air), although they are tired, but there are differences in the form.

 

People can be divided into the following four main body types:

1. Phlegm-damp body type: This type of person is not only obese, but also has a lot of fatigue and phlegm, is easily sleepy, has lazy limbs, has stomach discomfort after eating, and has loose stools. In addition to the Chinese medicine can be adjusted, can also rely on long-term physical exercise to improve. Including jogging, swimming, Tai Chi, “Eight Duan Kam” etc.

 

2. Qi deficiency: these people have insufficient lung energy, lack of energy, it would have a feeling of fatigue when little working. Since the strength of liver qi is related to the immunity of the body, they are prone to illness. Other symptoms include laziness, frequent sweating, a low voice, a pale tongue with white fur, and a weak pulse. Although exercise can be encouraged, it is necessary to start slowly and increase gradually. In addition, you can use the Qihai point in the abdomen as the center of a circular massage, three times a day, for 10 minutes each time. This method can strengthen the spleen with stomach and nourish the essence.

3. Yang body type: These people have low overall metabolism and will show fear of cold, depression and drowsiness. In addition to taking Chinese medicine, you can also use the “warm umbilical cord method” to strengthen nephron. The method is to use a lit moxa stick to moxibustion on the umbilicus above the Shen Pao point for 15 minutes twice a day, mainly to feel the warmth and tolerable.

4. Depressed body: most of the manifestations are unstable, easily depressed, lack of perseverance, suspicious and other psychological imbalance. Of course, physical discomfort, such as fullness in the ribs and poor sleep, may also occur. However, it is closely related to the ups and downs of emotions. Talking and sharing with others is the easiest way to guide yourself. At the same time, you can also try “rose yam porridge”. The method is to make a congee of rose, coix seeds and Chinese yam with rice, 1 to 2 bowls a day.

In any case, the feeling of fatigue is very disturbing. In addition to discomfort, people sometimes wonder if it is a lie. So we must face it head on and find the right way to manage it. Otherwise, the sub-healthy state of fatigue may turn into a real disease, and that would be a problem.

 

Low toddler patience. Learning the importance of waiting

Low toddler patience. Learning the importance of waiting

Written by: Ms. Ng Ka Chun, Former Principal of Lok Sin Tong Leung Wong Wai Fong Memorial School 

 

Young children always have low patience and have difficulty tolerating & waiting. Self-control is a comprehensive ability of an individual to properly control and regulate his or her behavior without external supervision, to suppress impulses, and persevere to ensure the achievement of goals. It is an important component in the construction of self-awareness and is an important psychological quality for the success of an individual.

 

 

Waiting is the mark of a child’s success

In the 1960s, the American psychologist Professor Michel conducted a fudge experiment. He took a group of children aged about four to a modestly furnished house and gave them each a very tasty piece of fudge, telling them that if they ate the fudge right away, they could only eat one; if they ate it again after 20 minutes, they would be rewarded with one more piece of fudge, and they could eat two pieces of fudge in total. After Michelle left, some children were eager to eat the candy, while others were patient, closed their eyes, or rested their heads on their arms as sleep; some children talked to themselves or sang to divert their attention and spent time restraining their desire. Through observation, Michelle found that one-third of the children ate the candy immediately, one-third of the children waited for Michelle to come back and redeem the extra reward before they started to eat, and another one-third of the children insisted at first, but then could not resist giving up waiting.

Michel continued to follow the children who participated in the experiment until they graduated from high school. The results of the follow-up study showed that the children who started eating candy right away showed a lack of confidence and did not get along well with their peers as teenagers, while those who waited until the end to eat candy were socially competent, assertive and academically successful. The “waiters” scored an average of 210 points higher on the test than the “non-waiters”. The actual results show that those children who could wait had a much higher success rate than those who could not wait.

In the above experiment, Michel introduced the concept of “delayed gratification” – the ability to wait is the ability to delay gratification, and children with delayed gratification are more likely to succeed as adults.

Let babies learn to wait a while

Patience is not something children are born with, but it can be mastered through learning. Before a child can learn patience, he or she must have the “ability to measure and understand time” and the “ability to understand cause and effect” before we can develop the ability to tolerate frustration and delay gratification.

Infants from zero to 18 months of age have only two or three minutes of patience. Even so, newborns must be taught to wait a while, and encouraging patience begins with simply telling them. When he hears your words, he will begin to think about what will come later, so parents can prepare their baby for his needs while describing in words what you have prepared for him. When a few months old baby hears you, he will stop fretting as a sign that he understands what you are saying, because language is linked to cause-and-effect thinking, so it helps babies learn to delay gratification.

 

 

What should we do if a child is having a tantrum?

                                                   What should we do if a child is having a tantrum?

Written by:Dr. Hui Lung Kit, Psychiatry Specialist


Many parents have had the experience of taking their children out to play, and the family was in a happy mood and the children were having a good time. But suddenly, the child makes some unreasonable requests (such as seeing a toy to buy), and the parent does not allow it, the child immediately changes his face and cries. When the parent reprimands the child, the child becomes more aggressive, not only crying louder, but also having a tantrum fiercely and stomping on the ground, attracting the attention of passers-by (who may even suspect that you are abusing the child). Parents have no choice but to do their utmost to soothe the child, or even raise their hands in surrender and buy the child a toy in the hope of calming the storm. In the end, once the child has succeeded in his request, he would turn tears into laughter even when the toy is still not received. The previous crying is gone and makes parents unable to laugh or cry.


However, have parents ever noticed that if the number of times of “compromise due to pressure” increases, the number of children’s cries will increase instead of decrease? This is due to a psychological phenomenon – “Positive Reinforcement” consequence. Positive Reinforcement” means that when a behavior occurs, if a reward is given immediately, the behavior will occur again. The more the reward, the higher the chance that the behavior will be repeated.

To apply the example to the child, if the child cries a lot, if the adult satisfies his unreasonable request (such as buying a toy) when he is most agitated, this is a reward for his crying behavior, and in the future, when the child has other unreasonable requests, he will be more inclined to use the crying method to achieve his goal. In addition, children generally want to be loved and cared for by their parents. If parents usually ignore them, but the child cries, the parents will immediately become very nervous because even scolding is a form of attention, and over time, children will tend to cry as a means of attracting their parents’ attention.


Therefore, the first and foremost thing parents should do to properly handle their children’s crying is to maintain a gentle attitude, but at the same time, they should stick to their principles and not compromise easily, especially not to finally give in and meet demands just because the child continues to cry. If parents cannot control the situation, they can try to reduce their attention to the child, such as removing eye contact, being expressionless, or not talking to the child. In addition, if the crying occurs at home, parents can take the child to a quiet corner, cut off all attention to the child, let the child calm down, and then slowly explain to him what the problem is.

Of course, it is more important to give children appropriate attention from time to time when they are behaving well and not crying, so that they feel safe and do not use fussing as a “bargaining chip” to win the love of their parents. This is the solution to the problem

Children wet the bed at night, but cannot control themselves.

Children wet the bed at night, but cannot control themselves.

Written by Chinese Doctor Yiu Yee Chiu


Every parent wants their child to develop well and quickly, not to lag behind, if not to be better than others. In medicine, there is a condition between “disease” and “physiology” that both parents and children find very disturbing. This is “nocturnal enuresis in children”.

Nocturnal enuresis is a stage of physiological development, but it is a problem if a child is still unable to control his or her urination and wets the bed after the age of 5. Nocturnal enuresis in children can be divided into two types: primary and secondary. The former is a pathological cause, such as spina bifida, or developmental delay. In the case of secondary causes, the child has control over the urine, but then for some reason, it gets out of control. The most common cause is an unexplained delay in development.


Medication, Physical Therapy, and Life

In Chinese medicine, the production of urine is related to several internal organs. The causes are kidney qi deficiency, spleen-lung qi deficiency, and liver stagnation and heat. In clinical practice, the main cause is kidney qi deficiency. Unlike adult enuresis or secondary enuresis in children, the condition will generally improve with several months of treatment. However, the treatment must be combined with medication,

physical therapy, and life support.

Chinese herbal medicine treatment: the main ingredients are mulberry cuttlebone, puzzle nut, whole cherry, Schisandra, yam, and mulberry.


Physical therapy: Acupuncture and massage, mainly for the bladder and kidney meridians in the back

Strict abstinence from food: Avoid cold and raw foods and beverages to avoid further damage to kidney energy

Food therapy: Use peaches, tzatziki, Chinese yam, etc. as a meal or dessert

Hot compress before bedtime: Apply hot compresses to the kidney points on the back of the bladder meridian every night before bedtime. For a more pronounced effect, use cumin, white pepper, or peppercorns and then wrap them in a cloth bag.


It turns out that nocturnal enuresis is not a rare occurrence and most children recover completely. Therefore, the most important thing is how to let the child pass through this stage smoothly. If parents don’t handle it properly, it may affect their self-esteem. Therefore, it is important to see a doctor for a formal examination of the situation so that you can really help your child.